Distracted

I recently took a trip to London. Partly a work thing and partly a decision to spend a bit of time on my own and with my sister. Two nights away on my own. It was the longest I had ever been away from my children! I think I was more anxious than they were but I had to leave before they were awake and I had that gut-wrenching feeling as I left the house. The days I spent away were filled with mixed emotions, part enjoyment at the freedom I had – no bedtime routine, no routine at all in fact, no need to be home by 6 for dinner but tinged with guilt that I was enjoying myself without them – and part a dreadful feeling of missing them, missing sharing things with them, showing them what I was seeing and experiencing, and missing their priceless and never-can-second-guess reactions to things.

Time away gave me some space to reflect on life, some head-space with no toddler distractions. I did get distracted by toddlers though – I became really aware of my time with my children and how it is spent. For the most part, we have a very active life, playing with friends, going to the park, making and gluing at home, baking, playgroups, pre-school. It feels as if we have a good balance of time with them – some of the week with me, some with Simon – but I have become aware that I don’t always give them my full attention, 100% of me, and that’s got to change.

So what’s the distraction? Trivial stuff really, cleaning, washing, tidying, some minor task that just needs to be done – sorting some post, calling the dentist. Nothing life or death important, but all the little things that keep us from descending into chaos on a daily basis. There seem to be so many of them! But small though they are, they are getting in the way of me having quality playing time with my kids. Simon seems to be able to put them out of his mind so much more easily and just get on with the playing. Why can’t I? Am I a bit obsessive? Or do I have a lower tolerance for mess? And can I or should I relax and teach myself to let things go?

I have never had one of those minds that lends itself to meditation. I can’t clear my thoughts, put thoughts aside or totally focus on one thing. It isn’t a skill I’ve really worked at because I’ve always assumed I’d really be no good at it. I’m easily distracted (just writing this post I’ve allowed myself to be involved in other things – writing some notes about another project, looking online for something totally unrelated – tile cleaner if you must know, thinking about a phone call I need to make later, yes, later, not even now). What makes my mind jump around so much? Well, if I’m honest I’m guessing it’s the sheer lack of a system, any set way to organise myself and my thoughts and the things I need to do. We got half way there, new filing system, organised office, even wrote a rota for getting the household stuff done. But we didn’t stick to it. And now, with a bit of distance from my normal life, I have seen how chaotic things are.

Needless to say I have a new determination to get things back on track. Getting rid of so much stuff has helped (I sold my bike and guitar last week, this week it’s skis and baby gear). Our house is becoming a more serene, dejunked space. I have put some structure into our week to give me time to get chores done without infringing on play time. I hope it helps. With their lives zooming along I need all the time I can get with them with no distractions. Pretty soon they will be off to school and I don’t want to wish I’d said sod the washing.