Identity

It’s been a week or so since I wrote anything on The Minimal List but I’ve been a bit distracted sorting my identity out. Now this post may seem like one for the ladies, and only those with children too, but actually I imagine lots of people reach a point in their life when a new definition seems in order. For me the time has come now I’m getting a little time back to launch myself into work. I made the decision to be a “stay at home” mum (though why it’s called that I have no idea – I seem to be at home so rarely!), when my first daughter was born, although I always knew I would be. I have written before about my re-introduction to all things technical but actually the return to work, or at least thinking about it, has been more complicated. It has come down to defining, or maybe re-defining who I am. Right now, if you were to ask me what I do I would actually struggle to answer.

Nearly all my female friends have changed direction, some quite dramatically, since having children. They have found that their pre-baby life just doesn’t work any more. The very idea of disappearing to an office five days a week is totally un-manageable. Some have developed their own businesses, one became a baby masseur, one is considering starting child-minding, another has just decided not to work at all for now. Others have taken part-time work, anything really, that fits with school and childcare. It doesn’t matter if it’s totally below their skill level. In many cases it’s just something “for now”.

I don’t want something temporary though. For me, this has become an opportunity to get back to basics and think about what I really want from the rest of my life. For the past 15 years I have worked for arts organisations of one kind or another. I have done admin, management, project development, fundraising and recruitment. Since running our own creative consultancy I have worked in lots of other people’s organisations too. And as much as I’ve enjoyed it I’ve realised that I don’t want the same things any more. It isn’t that I just want something that fits around my children. I want something inherently different for me.

It’s taken a long time to come to any conclusion. I have thought about lots of different things I could do. It has taken a lot of searching and many ideas have seemed right for a while until I imagined myself doing that thing every day. Finally, the nagging thing, the thing I have been trying to push aside for lack of practicality or security has finally made it to the number one spot. What I have found I miss is doing my own creative work and the sense of fulfillment it gives me. I did go to art school a very long time ago but over time my own practice has just disappeared. I dug out some old sketchbooks recently and was hit by memories of visits to exhibitions and galleries. Time spent drawing, developing ideas. And I felt such a rush of excitement I just knew I had found my calling again.

A trip to London took me to the V&A, where I spent a whole morning looking and drawing. I came away filled with ideas but I got home and dithered about for a few weeks until Simon said “look, just DO something!”. So I went on ebay and bought myself a table, ordered some printing inks and set myself up a small corner of the office as a studio. And there it waits, until tomorrow, when I start my new life. I have no idea if I’m still any good. I have no idea if anyone will be interested in what I’m making. But I have to give it a try. I hope that at some point in the not-too-distant future someone will ask me what I do and I will confidently be able to reply.