Backpack

I thought we had made some decisions about life but it seems we may not have. We were thinking about moving abroad, at least for a few years, but had decided to stay here and do the overseas thing for a month or two at a time each year. A few things have prompted the “shall we stay or shall we go” question (shall we stay here or head off on an unknown, potentially disastrous, potentially life changingly brilliant adventure) to raise its ugly head once more. I say ugly because every time we talk about it we end up feeling stuck rather than liberated.  Well, if I’m honest, that’s how I feel. Simon would pack up and go tomorrow.

The “few things”, apart from the nagging voice in both our heads telling us life isn’t all wrapped up and decided now, were a speech given by JK Rowling and a film starring George Clooney. I know these two are not the people you’d necessarily expect to be an inspiration to major life changes but both touched something in me that brought that ugly head rearing up and slightly flipped my stomach.

JK Rowling was giving the Harvard commencement speech. I’ve never really been a fan of Harry Potter but her speech was simple, honest, down to earth and amazing. The words that hit home were about failure: “It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all, in which case you’ve failed by default”. Gulp.

The film was called “Up In the Air” and starred George Clooney. It was about a man who is a loner – works alone, lives alone, no complicated relationships, travels light, keeps a minimally furnished apartment. His main job is firing people but on the side he gives talks and runs workshops called “what’s in your backpack”. These talks exemplify a life free from the clutter of belongings and relationships. He thinks he’s entering into an uncomplicated relationship but finds himself falling in love and starts to question his way of life and his backpack theories.

If I look in my backpack it’s pretty full. It’s full of stuff and people that keep us tied to where we live. Family, friends, routine, house, work. We’ve lived here for two years now and much as we like it it’s an easy place. By easy I mean we don’t have to think much. It’s not challenging. It’s a bit boring if I’m honest. Is that what we want for our girls? For us? Well no, not really. But deciding what we do want involves changing routines we have established, uprooting the girls, maybe learning a new language, the effort of starting again somewhere new. In just two years we have filled a backpack and it’s a heavy load.

I could have a go at lightening my backpack for a bit though. I know I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t give something a try. I tell Simon that this big adventure, whatever it turns out to be, is for me like going for a long run. The thought of it is daunting but with a bit of determination (and some gentle nagging, or sometimes some aggressive bullying!) by the end I feel pretty elated.