Simple living. It has to encompass everything to work. It can’t be just about making your house nice and tidy. But there’s one aspect of life where we seem to make things anything but simple and that’s our relationships.
I seem to be surrounded by couples who constantly compete. They seem to be trying to prove who has the most miserable life. Who is suffering more, working harder, is more stressed. There’s no understanding, appreciation or empathy between the two people who should be working to make life easier for each other. The husband goes to work, the wife stays at home and takes care of the children. The husband thinks the wife spends all day having coffee and chatting with other mums at lovely playgroups. The wife thinks the husband spends all day sitting at a desk. The husband has no idea what it’s like to look after two pre-school children all day every day. The wife has no idea what the husband’s job actually is.
The husband would like the wife to spend all day cleaning, cooking, washing, keeping the house stocked with food, attending to bills and other household management AND playing meaningfully with the children. The wife would like the husband to spend all day in a mad frenzy of work, the equivalent of performing brain surgery whilst ordering the invasion of an army AND getting home in time for dinner. The husband thinks there’s no way on earth the wife could cope with five minutes of his day. The wife thinks the husband would wave a white flag after five minutes of her day. They are probably both right.
Where does it start? How do two people who are supposed to provide each other with more support and appreciation than anyone else come to this? The division of labour in relationships is so often like this. It’s a fact of nature that’s hard to overcome. None of my friends would swap places with their other half. So why can’t they be happy for each other? Why can’t they accept the differences in their roles and support each other?
Competition is something that doesn’t really happen in my house. Simon would love it if I spent the day messing about with the girls and drinking coffee with my friends. I love it when he has an easy day. Maybe we’re just not the competitive types. Maybe we’ve been together so long that we just don’t care about stuff like that any more. Maybe we just don’t take life that seriously. Whatever the reason, it helps us to keep life simple. Life can’t be simple when the leading characters are making everything so complicated.
Many thanks for a thought-provoking post. My husband and I work 36/32 weekly hours respectively, and homeschool our monkeys, so the roles of working/SAH parents are constantly shifting. Think this both helps and occasionally hinders our marital goodwill. :o) Find myself wholly supportive of his time at work, and always hopeful he has good days. Slightly more critical of his SAH time; find myself thinking "If I can manage to play with the kids, manage the dog, allow for ample outdoor/physical time, get everyone to their activities, AND clean-up along the way, why is the house such a disaster after his SAH time?" Thankfully we are ultimately both easygoing enough that it all works out. Life is good.
theminimallist
Hi Kim. I absolutely leave the house tidier than Simon after a day with the girls. In fairness he looks after them only occasionally and just isn't in the habit of keeping house at the same time! Being easygoing definitely helps. I wonder if having quite interchangeable lives makes things easier where competition is concerned? I guess it must...
Great post! I can understand seeing competition between couples as my friends do it all the time. My wife and I are occasionally guilty of this. The way I see it, is it is more for sympathy and comfort by showing that sometimes we have a tough day rather than trying to prove who is more miserable.
theminimallist
Thanks. I guess it happens by degrees. Sharing a tough day is a part of being with someone and the response should be sympathy and comfort!
I love this post. I see friends as well as couples do this, and it always makes me sad. I think my husband and I will be able to avoid this pitfall when our baby comes in May. It all starts, I think, with being truly grateful for the contributions each makes and then taking delight in the joy they experience. That, and an understanding that we don't need to prove our suffering first before asking a loved one for help.
theminimallist
Congratulations first of all! Asking for help is a great point. I don't think people do that enough.
This is a really cool post... My girlfriend and I work together, and we don't have the slightest bit of competition. I think the reason for this is because we've each identified and communicated the things we're good at, and let the other person handle the other duties. Instead of competition, it becomes a synergistic relationship that lets us be so much more efficient.
Thanks for the great post!
Chris Dunn
theminimallist
Thanks. Simon and I worked together for many years before the girls arrived and he has also looked after the girls when I have done the odd day of work! Maybe having lives that are a little more interchangeable helps...
Competition
Simple living. It has to encompass everything to work. It can’t be just about making your house nice and tidy. But there’s one aspect of life where we seem to make things anything but simple and that’s our relationships.
I seem to be surrounded by couples who constantly compete. They seem to be trying to prove who has the most miserable life. Who is suffering more, working harder, is more stressed. There’s no understanding, appreciation or empathy between the two people who should be working to make life easier for each other. The husband goes to work, the wife stays at home and takes care of the children. The husband thinks the wife spends all day having coffee and chatting with other mums at lovely playgroups. The wife thinks the husband spends all day sitting at a desk. The husband has no idea what it’s like to look after two pre-school children all day every day. The wife has no idea what the husband’s job actually is.
The husband would like the wife to spend all day cleaning, cooking, washing, keeping the house stocked with food, attending to bills and other household management AND playing meaningfully with the children. The wife would like the husband to spend all day in a mad frenzy of work, the equivalent of performing brain surgery whilst ordering the invasion of an army AND getting home in time for dinner. The husband thinks there’s no way on earth the wife could cope with five minutes of his day. The wife thinks the husband would wave a white flag after five minutes of her day. They are probably both right.
Where does it start? How do two people who are supposed to provide each other with more support and appreciation than anyone else come to this? The division of labour in relationships is so often like this. It’s a fact of nature that’s hard to overcome. None of my friends would swap places with their other half. So why can’t they be happy for each other? Why can’t they accept the differences in their roles and support each other?
Competition is something that doesn’t really happen in my house. Simon would love it if I spent the day messing about with the girls and drinking coffee with my friends. I love it when he has an easy day. Maybe we’re just not the competitive types. Maybe we’ve been together so long that we just don’t care about stuff like that any more. Maybe we just don’t take life that seriously. Whatever the reason, it helps us to keep life simple. Life can’t be simple when the leading characters are making everything so complicated.
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